I suppose the main thrust of the post is due to some of the posts I’ve read today, specifically, m’s post on the tao of making money on finding an blog audience she can relate to on some level.

This post is going to be some what disjointed, but I’ll try to make it coherent.

As of now, neither me nor my husband have any significant health problems. I have back ache on an ongoing basis that I’ve had for years and never checked out, but that’s something for a different post.

I don’t write about personal stuff too much here despite this being a “anonymous” blog. One, I am very shy and really nuts about my privacy. Not in the sense that I don’t want people to know my name, but in the sense that I don’t want to subject my private life to the scrutiny of strangers or even friends. I am not too bothered with letting others know how much I make or my (and my husband’s debt), but I am a bit uneasy about letting strangers know how the debt came to be. People are very judgmental and I am extremely thin skinned. And while I am not generally prone to depression, an unkind word has a tendency to ruin my day.

While I read about 15 or so blogs regularly, I occasionally pop by blogs I used to read but don’t any more (usually because they now have ads - and I really despise advertising). So when I read people posting their salary along with their age, I feel a bit down. I cannot relate. I feel like a LOSER.

I think about how former friends have judged me because of choices I made, about “choosing” to leave my family and cut all connections with them because of the emotional and mental stress I was being put through. “But everyone’s parents are annoying and pig headed!” That may be so, but I didn’t enjoy actively thinking about ways of killing myself and causing least amount of stress on those that might find my dead body.

I think about how lucky people are to have emotional and mental support from families, even if they are annoying. About how lucky people are to be born in a country with a work permit. About how lucky people are to be able to pay for gasoline for an automobile. About how lucky people are to give birth and not really think about it. I mean really think about it. Not in the sense that “whoops, a little mistake”. I had an abortion fund before I even thought about an emergency fund.

I used to think that the one bad quality I didn’t possess was the ability to be envious. I was lying to myself. I am jealous of college students who can live in a dorm, and have someone who will be willing to be a reference on the student loan form. Or better yet, have parents who will pay ongoing cell phone bills. Anyone that has a pet is lucky.

Living on about $500/month without losing dignity wasn’t easy. Having a maxed out credit card (maxed by parents) and trying to explain to the credit card rep that I can’t pay even the minimum bill and then listening to her tell me that I should lower my gasoline bill for my car and then her not understanding - that there is no car, I was walking several miles a day.

I am in a lot better position now than I was before. But, its still a struggle. Trying to mentally grow while dealing with numerous setbacks isn’t easy. But I appreciate everything I have, including the ability to make the choices I do.