The good news? Its not a heat rash or boils
Its….shingles. Very exciting and excruciatingly painful. What is with all these painful ailments visiting me? I’ve got my kidney stone my UTI and now this. I really hate the fact that I have a high threshold for pain because I start having discussions like…what exactly is the criteria to be admitted into the ER? And where on the scale of pain does "I want to commit a killing spree"* fall? And lets not forget that shingles are ugly as hell. I had half a mind to walk around my neighborhood showing off my shingy zits to all the pervs saying something like "I have gonorrhea! Here’s proof. Please don’t bother me any more." But these men are pervs not masters of logic…so I let go of the idea. Also it hurt to walk. And sleep. But looky! Not hurtful enough to blog about it.
Apparently it got activated because of stress. And I’ve been undergoing some really f*cking severe stress. So now in addition to having clumps of hair fall out and my skin look like crap I have to deal with a crazy nerve.
I also was lucky enough to have a textbook case of shingles. So all the little med students came to have a look. I started announcing: "welcome to the shingles museum". But I didn’t even get a giggle. And that stressed me out. Which led to some more pain. Ecetera.
The doctor also told me that only dead people were allowed to be around me. Not quite. But I can’t be around babies and old people and sick people and people who haven’t had chicken pox and so on.
Perhaps I should also stop reading all the gloom-and doom peak oil stuff. I’m sure it didn’t help to adopt a very depressive worldview.
One thing however…tea tree oil works wonderfully to numb the pain. That is…it numbs the pain after several 100 mgs of ibuprofen don’t do the trick. Tea tree oil is some sort of antiseptic plus has other wonderful properties. And it numbs pain.
So while I am not quite dead. I am taking a break. Please send funny jokes. Thank you.
—-
*Big brother: this is a joke. As in "tee hee". Please do not throw me into the gulag.
Here’s one for you…
The maid wants a pay increase.
The wife was upset about this and asked: ‘Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’
Maria: ‘Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.’
Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband said so.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’
Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’
Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband did.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’
Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.’
Wife (now really furious): ‘Did my husband say that as well? ‘
Maria: ‘No Senora, the gardener did.’
MARIA GOT HER RAISE!
Comment by Heather @ SGF — June 23, 2008 @ 4:35 pm
This is from my 9 year old. I can’t do better…
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks!
I hope you feel better soon. Aside from ibuprofen and tea tree oil, margaritas work wonders…
Comment by JAM — June 23, 2008 @ 5:31 pm
She just gave me another one -
If you’re American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out of the bathroom - what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
European!
OK - I’ll stop now…
Comment by JAM — June 23, 2008 @ 6:16 pm
A glass of cranberry juice everyday does wonders in keeping cystitis & UTI’s away, hope youre feeling better soon.
Blessings:)
Comment by molly — June 23, 2008 @ 6:53 pm
Ah man! Feel better. My dad had those a while back due to stress - along with kidney stones and pack of other stuff like you’ve gotten. Read some happy, cheesy novels and get some rest.
Comment by Green Bean — June 23, 2008 @ 7:14 pm
I know how bad that sucks! I had shingles in my early 20’s. Until then, I thought it was an old person’s affliction. But there I was, my final year of college, just broken up with my long time boyfriend, going on my first date in like 4+ years … with shingles popping out on my scalp! Thankfully I don’t think they were noticeable until the next day. But you can imaging what a fun date I was that night!? Yeah, he never called again.
Sorry, I only know cheesy little kid jokes!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other SLIDE!
Comment by natalie — June 23, 2008 @ 8:04 pm
I’m so sorry about your spate of bad luck and your shingles! I hope you’ll find this link as funny as I did- if you might be allergic to mangos be sure to take care or you’ll end up with even more itchy spots!
http://www.silentrant.com/?p=138
Comment by Karina — June 23, 2008 @ 10:18 pm
Here’s another something to make you smile…
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It ‘In.’
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso..
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘For Smuggling
Diamonds’
7. Finish All Your sentences with ‘In Accordance With The Prophecy.’
8. Don’t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go.’
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party
Because You’re Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won!, I Won!’
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!’
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’
Comment by Heather @ SGF — June 23, 2008 @ 10:47 pm
I am sorry about the shingles. Feel better.
Comment by arduous — June 24, 2008 @ 12:28 pm
Ooo I enjoyed all the jokes. Thanks for sharing. I especially have a fondness for tame/cheesy humor…like knock-knock jokes. I bought a book of knock knock jokes once in an attempt to be the life of the party. It didn’t work.
Natalie: It does suck. What sucks even more is that this is apparently a chronic condition. I guess its a good way to keep me in check and not stressing out so much?
Katrina: I liked the story at silentrant. I am grateful I am not allergic to mangoes.
Comment by Beany — June 24, 2008 @ 6:54 pm
I dunno. I’ve not had any problems with it since my one and only bout - about 10 years ago. And I’ve been under some serious stress in that time! I think you’ll be fine once you get over it. I have to go knock on some wood…
Comment by natalie — June 24, 2008 @ 9:20 pm
How you feeling?
Comment by arduous — June 26, 2008 @ 12:44 pm
Well for one I can finally sleep after about 4 nights of not being able to. The AC aggravates the shingles zits and I can’t sleep if its too hot and humid. The pain is mostly gone but I get a nice reminder every few hours.
Thanks for asking.
Comment by Beany — June 26, 2008 @ 3:55 pm
Hi beany, I’m glad to have finally found your blog. I don’t know what took me so long.
My mom has shingles and she uses a capsaicin pepper cream for it which also helps for the pain. I’m not sure if it works any better than the tea tree oil, but she does use it preventively as well, which seems to help.
Sending you healing and cooling vibes~~~~~~~~~~
Comment by Theresa — June 26, 2008 @ 5:52 pm
Thanks Theresa…I should look into this. I had no idea that capsaicin would be relief for nerve pain. Its not the first thing I’d think of putting on.
Comment by Beany — June 26, 2008 @ 8:08 pm
I know, it seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But my mom said it worked for her. I googled a bit and the cream is called Zostrix.
Comment by Theresa — June 26, 2008 @ 11:53 pm
Oh no! I’m so far behind on reading blogs that I just saw this today. Beany, I hope you get over this outbreak soon and can keep it tamed down. Definitely avoid stress. (So I guess that means not reading my blog, huh? LOL)
Jokes, let’s see, ack, I can’t think of any under all this pressure to be funny. Oh wait, here’s a really cheesy knock-knock joke.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?
Comment by Chile — June 30, 2008 @ 12:22 pm
Well Chile you had your own problems to sort through so I am not surprised you’re behind on your blog reading.
For now I’m avoiding Kunstler and Sharon’s blog, your blog isn’t that bad with the doom and gloom. I want to pretend that everything is hunky dory for now.
Comment by Beany — June 30, 2008 @ 2:00 pm